How to Start a Difficult Conversation
Jedi Relationship Tricks #2-#4: Don’t start by annoying the Wookie
You’ve been avoiding this conversation because here’s what experience has taught you to expect: Things will get ugly. The other person will say crazy things and swear at you. They’ll refuse to see your point of view. It’ll be frustrating, maddening. Your blood will boil. You won’t get what you want, and your relationship with them will get even worse. And yet, if you don’t do anything, things’ll get worse and the problem will still need to be addressed.
It doesn’t have to be this bad. I can’t guarantee your conversation will go as smoothly as you like —nobody can control what the other person does — but I can guarantee that if you use the following tactics, the conversation will go a lot better.
Don’t ask for a raise when the stock market just dropped 1,000 points
If it’s at all possible, wait for a good time to start the conversation. Ask yourself questions like:
- Does this person seem to be in a bad mood? (Look for signs that they are hungry, angry, tired, or stressed.)
- Is there any recent crisis, emergency, or source of irritation that might influence how they’ll act today?
- Do you think they might be irritated or angry at you right now?
If any of these things is true, consider having this conversation sometime later.
If you swing first, it’s going to be a fight
The nature of the first thing you say will inevitably determine how the rest of the conversation will go. As leading couples counselor John Gottman said, “Even in stable, happy relationships: When conflict begins with hostility, defensive sequences result.”
If you start with “Listen, you’ve got to stop doing XYZ”, there is no chance that the conversation will be productive. Ditto for “What you just did was incredibly stupid!” (How would you react to these opening statements?)
In addition, how you say something is even more important than what you say. The emotions evoked in the listener always hijack the content of the words. If you say “Do you have time to talk?” forcefully and in a monotone voice, the listener will feel threatened, and their reaction will be more about self-defense than about cooperation.
Remember to speak slowly and casually, in a calm voice, and decide in advance exactly how you’re going to begin the conversation. You want to engage the other person in having the conversation without making them defensive or oppositional. Here are some important guidelines to use in the conversation you’re about to have:
- Use “softer” language and speak in first-person terms (“I’d like to talk about” instead of “You have to tell me”)
- Instead of talking about a “mistake” the other person made or a “problem” that they’ve caused, talk about a “situation”, “issue”, or “concern” that needs to be addressed
- Speak abstractly and in the passive tense to avoid signaling that the conversation will probably become unpleasant
They’ll probably want more details, which is the time to speak abstractly and in a way that avoids hints that the conversion may be difficult — for example:
Hugo, there was something that bothered me at the party last night, and I’d like to talk with you about it
(Contrast this with an opening sentence like, “Look, I don’t like what you said to the Wilsons last night, and we have to get that sorted, now.” Where do you think that conversation will go?)
Nobody likes to be blindsided
You know what it’s like to be forced into a conversation without warning. You may feel angry, off-balance, intimidated, or some other emotion — but it’s never pleasant, and you’re not likely to be open to whatever the other person is about to say.
Here’s an important fact to remember: People do better when they feel they have some control over what’s happening, even if it’s only a small amount. Here’s an example of a good way to start the conversation.
Hugo, there’s something I’d like to talk with you about. When would be a good time to do this?
Most of the time, people will be okay with talking right now, but the very fact of being asked leaves them feeling open rather than defensive, and it also prevents those negative emotions I mentioned earlier from happening. If they don’t want to talk now, schedule a specific time and place to meet.
Putting it all together
Here’s a roadmap to stacking the odds in your favor:
- Use observation and common sense in deciding when to approach the other person
- The first thing you say will determine the direction of the conversation, so it’s critical to start with an opening line that invites participation without activating negative emotions and uncooperative behavior
- Giving the other person a choice over when to have the conversation will leave them far more open to hearing what you will say later
The difficult conversation is still ahead, but these steps are both easy and powerful because they enable you to avoid common and preventable mistakes. Once the damage is done, repairing it is very expensive, even impossible. In contrast, these steps give you a big effect with very little effort — and they’re things that anyone can do.
