Understand It, Then Change It
Angry and you don’t know why? This is what’s causing it.
The key is underneath
The good news is that there is something you can do about your anger.
Sometimes anger is there for a good reason. It alerts us to some immediate and legitimate danger. It gives us the energy we need to handle the situation.
But often, things are not so clear.
Maybe there’s no immediate and legitimate danger. Or you’re just angry and you don’t know why. Or what you feel like doing is definitely a bad idea.
Or (and this is a very important thing to watch for) your anger is much, much bigger that whatever it is that sparked it. Like going on a loud, abusive rant when a friend cancels a lunch date.
That’s what I’m talking about here.
You should know that there’s always something underneath anger. What’s underneath is fear.
You may not want to deal with any fear. It’s easier to go back to the anger, isn’t it? It feels safer. More satisfying.
But then you’ll have to deal with the same anger in the future, again and again. All because you’re ignoring what the fear is trying to tell you.
Fear is nothing to be ashamed of.
Fear doesn’t mean you’re weak, or permanently flawed, or worthless.
It’s just a feeling, and it’s part of being human.
Ask yourself, “What might this fear be about?” Give yourself a few minutes to be with it.
It’s okay to feel the fear. But you need to know what it’s about.
In fact, as soon as you know something about it, the fear will drop a notch.
Often, fear is about losing something, or someone. That includes a lot, all the way to being afraid you’re about to die.
The fear may be about realizing that something you’re denying is actually true.
It may be about not wanting to be judged.
It may be showing you that you’re not in control of something that matters to you.
Take courage and look at the cause of the fear that’s underneath.
Do this, and your fear will drop another notch.
You will realize that what’s powering your anger is your fear of the underlying loss.
What you thought was making you angry is not really responsible for your anger.
And the next time you’re angry in the same way, remind yourself of the loss that’s the true source.
Your anger will drain away, and you will know what to do.
